Memoirs of a single Christian girl: Being single comes with all its burdens and benefits.

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I wish that all my dreary, boring and upsetting days end as beautifully as today ended. Amen.

PS: This is actually a prayer, not a wish- hence the ‘Amen’ at the end of the plea.

Today started as one of those upsetting days for me. It rained this morning, I got stuck in the flood that usually follows even the slightest drizzle in PH city; my driver kept his face like driving me was the worst job on earth (he has no idea he is about to lose his job, once I get the new driver I have applied for – I just dey laugh am, his days are numbered), no one had arrived the office by the time I got to work, the papers on my table were wet from the obviously leaking roof and ceiling over my table (I won’t be surprised if it was that Kelechi girl who bore a hole in the roof, just to get my table wet. I hope I am not getting paranoid here) and to make matters worse, the intern who things he is God’s gift to women and has a right to being the future Mr. Emma (as there is no chance I will be taking his name if his wish to marry me ever comes true in his dreams), strolled into the office at 9am and had the effrontery to poke his head into my office and say “Hi babe” (I think I will send that fellow a query this week or sue him for harassment). I was upset all day.

I got home in the evening just to realise I was out of gas and I couldn’t prepare dinner. Hunger was slamming me left, right and center. I couldn’t even drink garri because I had no sugar. Then to make it worse, I began to hear sounds from my neighbour’s house that told me her husband was at it again – beating her blue black (I don’t get why this neighbour of mine keeps staying with this Mike Tyson of a husband and always has the gall to look at me like she has something better than I have. Anyway, since I flashed my Transcorp Hilton profile at her that day, she hasn’t dared to look down on me again). I was so upset by their sounds that I picked up my heavy frying pan and headed for their house – I just wanted to knock the breath out of that bully of a man today; if the wife hadn’t had enough of his beating, I had had enough of the sound of it.

To my greatest surprise, their front door opened immediately I stepped out of mine and someone was thrown out. The person fell backwards unto the wet compound ground and behold the person that fell was my neighbour’s husband, the almighty Mike Tyson. His head was bleeding and he was whimpering in pain, fear and shock. His wife stepped out after him, a heavy frying pan in her hand. She kicked him again and again. I stopped in my track, mouth open, eyes popping. She stopped and looked at me and my frying pan, gave me a slight nod, I nodded back and she gave her husband one last kick.

Just like that, my day was made. I wasn’t hungry anymore. I feel justified to say I had one of the best days ever.

Apparently, women who get hit or beaten by their husbands can actually hit back, the men just don’t know it. They think they are so strong yet they never consider entering any tournaments except the ones that involve beating women. Apparently, women just let the men hit them because they think it’s a man’s prerogative. Apparently my neighbour had decided it was her prerogative to give him a little dose of his own medicine today. Apparently, I won’t sound like a good Christian if I say, “I am very proud of her.”

PS: 2 hours after he got beaten, I peeped out and found the now sober husband, washing his car himself – the same car he used to make her wash for him every morning before he went to work (what a scallywag!!!).

Jesus now, more than ever.

A_EMMA

Irims Starglazzers Media: This is a media outfit that does Script Writing and produces Short Films and Documentaries.

Email: starglazers.media@gmial.com

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